Today I did what women since time immemorial have done when faced with the realization that they are rapidly losing control of their lives.


I made fudge.


Seriously, is there anything more soothing than stirring melting chocolate smooth and blending in creamy condensed milk to create an entirely new confection? I'm tempted to make a metaphor relating to the creation of a child - an utterly different creature yet retaining characteristics of its parents - but I won't. It's enough that I was able to drown my angst in the mechanics of the process and now I will be rewarded with after dinner chocolates. I have made the fancy-pants kind of fudge requiring candy thermometers, corn syrup, and dip-into-capital chocolate and, as good as they are, they lack that kind of Wow! Look What I Made wonder that comes from making candy in under 15 minutes that's the backbone of producing fudge as a response to chaos. Plus, it helped me feel better about crapping out on last night's dinner. Absolution of guilt through chocolate - more fattening than confession, but more satisfying, too.


The current chaos level of my household derives from the three days of snow emergency inflicted upon most of the east coast. Tomorrow will be the third consecutive day that preschool is closed and we are all going a little bit nuts here. It's mostly ice and sleet outside, so burning off steam outside is not a possibility and we've run through my box of rainy day crafts. And funny how the Boy Wonder doesn't feel that organizing his race cars by color is an entertaining activity. Luckily we've avoided the tyranny of the television and have managed to stick to our guns regarding one video per day.


Add to this that I have three days left on my contract and am gamely trying to wrap up the actual work while producing a project summary for the files. Plus, the local paper happened to run a want ad for the University that more or less screamed, "Marsha - apply for this - we want you!" so I'm trying to weigh whether or not I want a real job. I haven't had one in almost three years and self-employment has a lot to recommend it. There are definite advantages to standard employment, though, and I'm trying to gauge how ready I am (if at all) to re-enter that world. Of course, this is all useless worry. It's entirely likely that they will have zero interest in me and so my thinking and rethinking will be for naught but in the meantime I'm putting lots of thought into my resume and application forms (since it's a state position there are - count 'em! - seven separate forms, most of which are repetitive in some way).


Then there is the matter of the continuing state of my pregnancy. The baby is not "late" yet, and I really need a couple more days to complete some work and house stuff, but I am so over this. I read somewhere that the first time one is pregnant you feel like you invented the process and every subsequent pregnancy becomes less and less magical. This has been true for me but I am assured that the joy of bringing your baby home never diminishes and it is this that I am focused on. I want to meet my daughter, bring her home and start our lives together. I've got a lot to teach her - like how to make fudge, for instance.