I'm in the midst of a conflict with my mother-in-law. No, this is not a story about that age old story of two generations of women fighting to be dominant in a man's heart and thoughts. I'm actually having the same battle with my own mother. It's strange to me that these two women, who actually don't care for each other very much, could each be pushing my buttons in exactly the same way. They both want me to nag my husband more. I'm refusing and my refusal is causing much angst.


My mother-in-law isn't happy with the amount of time or energy my husband expends on maintaining connections with her extended family. He doesn't call, doesn't write, doesn't visit (the ancestral home is nearly 1,000 miles away) and this royally pisses her off. Now, this is not to say that he doesn't pay attention to her, because he does - he always remembers her birthday and Mother's Day, calls on major (and minor) holidays and faithfully visits her several times per year. It's that he doesn't keep in good touch with his cousins, great-aunts, third cousins twice removed, and so on that annoys her. So what does she do? Well, 35 years of nagging him to do her bidding in this regard haven't helped, so now she nags me. She's decided that it's either my job to maintain these connections (to people I don't know well or haven't even met) or join her in nagging him to do it.


My mom, on the other hand, isn't happy that my husband isn't a neat-nick, as she is. In the 13 years that she has known him, she's nagged him to be better at noticing disorder and being more tidy. Since it hasn't helped she's decided that it's my job to nag him to do it. The thing is, he'll clean something if I ask him to do it - he won't notice it needs cleaning on his own, but he'll definitely respond if asked. Not good enough, in mom's book.


So now, I have two women nagging me to nag him. I simply will not do it. I believe that when you marry someone, you marry all the good and all the bad (really icky stuff like violence, addiction or philandering not included, of course) and it's really not fair after 8 years of being married to suddenly start turning on the heat about stuff you knew about when you agreed to get married in the first place. I knew that he isn't super clannish despite being faithful and steadfast to a fault when it comes to immediate and nuclear family and that he isn't the type to clean the miniblinds just because it's been six weeks.


So why on earth would I put that kind of pressure on my marriage by suddenly deciding that these traits aren't acceptable when for 8 years they've been, if not awesome, then liveable? Plus, if their nagging isn't changing the scene, why would I believe that any nagging that I'd do would somehow hold the key to changing these behaviors? I guess I should be flattered that they think I hold such sway over anyone. I still think nagging is a sick, sick habit and not one that's been known to produce much besides anger, frustration and resentment.


So here I am, being nagged and becoming angrier, more frustrated and more resentful by the conversation. How strange is it to be nagged to nag? And how sad that, since the original nagging has been so ineffectual that I'm being seen as fresh troops for the war? This is, however, a war in which I absolutely will not be engaging.