I had a moment of clarity today, and not in the good way.


My son has not yet figured out that he can climb out of bed in the morning and wander at will, so he still calls for either his father or me upon waking. "Mommy? Is it wake-up time? Can I get up now?" Most often we'll respond telling him to come join us in bed for a cuddle. This morning, though, I went into his room instead seeking my good morning kisses.


"Don't want kiss today," he said. "Silly baby! Of course you want kisses. Smoochsmoochsmooch." "Noooooooooo!" "Yessssssssss! Smooch!" Until he ran off screaming in search of his father.


So I'm left sitting on his bed when it hits me like a ton of bricks. Does not "no mean no?" Every Girl Scout leader, guidance counselor, softball coach, health teacher, feminist professor has told me it's so. So we spend our lives in turn informing the guys on the football team, the boys in the band, the cute kid in Chemistry Club that, yes indeed, "no means no." Even if I originally said "yes." Even if you think I still mean "yes." Even if I said "yes" to everyone but you. No means no.


So I force kisses on my son who has said "no." There's a mixed message for you. Soon enough he'll be learning from every boy scout leader, health teacher, coach and counselor that when a girl says "no" she must be taken seriously. The thing is, so must a boy when he says "no." And I must be his first teacher - the one that primes the pump for all who will come after me. I must take his "no" seriously so that he takes me seriously when I try to teach respect for his own body as well as for respect for those he will love or desire in a way he can't even imagine yet. As his mother I have a large part in helping him accumulate the relationship/gender politics baggage he'll carry through his life and, as uncomfortable as I might be thinking of my little three year old as a sexual being, I can help him avoid this whopper.


So, from now on, if he says "no kisses," no kisses it'll be. Even though I'm bigger, stronger and faster (and, truthfully, a little disappointed that he doesn't want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him) that's the way it has to be, for him and his future.