Lessons in Festive Project Management

Shortly after the Boy was born on a now distant late-September morning, Brainiac startled me with the declaration that our Christmas tree would henceforth be displayed with a train chug-chug-chugging below. Effective immediately. I didn't grow up with trains around the tree and reached adulthood knowing about the concept in theory but never having given any thought to its application in reality. And then my train-appreciating husband became the father to a train-obsessed little boy (I'm pretty sure that this is where train-appreciating men come from in the first place) and so for the last nine Christmases there has been a train 'neath the tree, as directed.

The methodology in years past has been thus: slap down the track, futz with the engine, throw a bit of glittery fake snow about and call it good. Inevitably the uneven floor beneath the track or the glitter or an overzealous cat would interfere with the arrangement and tears would ensue. Then more futzing, trying to locate the little tube of smoke potion stuff, shimming the track, swearing about "today's alleged craftsmanship and my grandfather's engine never would have..." and yet more futzing and then inevitably disillusionment. A few more tears and Brainiac would declare the train off-limits and there it would sit, gathering resentment as much as dust.


Enough. A few weeks ago father and son were informed that my regrettable lack of oversight to the train process is coming to an end and I am ready to take up a position on the side of attractive as well as functional Christmas railroad operations. Not that I have any overblown expectations of museum-quality displays or the type of thing you get when grown men spend too much time in their parent's basements. No, not at all. My thoughts are merely that if we apply a few standard project lifecycle concepts to the affair we'll end up with something to make everyone happy - a working, touchable, seasonally-appropriate, attractive little show of Yuletide tradition. If, along the way, I ended up with some days' worth of teachable moments, so much the better. Taking a page from my workaday world, I've appointed the Boy as project manager (I, of course, am Management) and given him a brief training on Mandatory Project Activities as they pertain to the Christmas train:

- Project Scheduling
- Needs Assessment
- Requirements Gathering
- Gap Analysis
- Budget Review
- System Development
- User Acceptance Testing
- Stakeholder Acceptance ("Mama, what's a stakeholder?" "Me. It means I have to like the plan." "Oh. So I really have to pay attention to this stuff? Man!")
- Deployment

I'll post the results as the work is completed, along with the hoped-for denouement of a lovely, functional Christmas train. Stay tuned, world.

Drink Pretty Creature

Like many couples, Brainiac and enjoy the occasional evening out sans offspring. Happy hour, with its drink specials and snacky bites, is a particular favorite and we are quite devoted to 25-cent wing nights. Yes, it's true - I of the homemade pickles and organic peach jam can be bought at the low, low cost of a glass of sauvignon blanc and a plate of extra-hot Buffalo wings. I'd be hard pressed to even pretend shame so let's not bother.

Anyway, our recent cocktail culture habits have given rise to a new obsession: bar snacks. In case you lead a completely upstanding life and are unaware, it's not uncommon for bars to put out little bowls of this or that nibble, a salty lagniappe designed to encourage the purchase of yet another refreshing adult beverage. Alert drinkers might notice pretzels or nuts or the like and, in the best establishments, these are not stale (I sometimes suspect the purchase of vast warehouses of, say, bagel chips and have believed on occasion that a snack dating to Ronald Reagan's first term in office is being thrust in my direction. This practice must be discouraged by taking one's custom elsewhere. Life is too short, friends.)

Even when the bar snacks are up to code, we may not be heading out as often as we'd like (see also: the new frugality), preferring to stay in and have pals in for a drink and a bite. The drinks part is easy because, honestly, people just aren't that picky no matter what they claim to the contrary but when it comes to the accompaniments, standards must be kept. The ideal bar snack should 1) be able to be prepared ahead, 2) be served without need of cutlery or, heck, even a napkin, 3) enhance the taste of a wide variety of drinksies and 4) taste great. Hitting all four points is harder than you might expect but by gosh I try.

As I type I'm roasting chick peas seasoned with cayenne, adobo, black pepper and chili powder. The smell is fantastic but early taste tests are not promising. I remain convinced that the method will work, however. Open cans, drain and dry the chick peas, spread in a sprayed, rimmed cookie sheet and roast away at 450 degrees, having sprinkled very generously with whatever flavor seems like it might work. Next try: garam masala and amchuur powder.

I've got a cocktail bug for okra, too. Sliced and dry roasted with similarly prepared hot peppers...I don't know. In my mind it's crispy and blisteringly spiced and completely absent the okra slime factor. Maybe covered in cornmeal? I don't want to mess with frying and being stuck in the kitchen, though, not when I'm supposed to be perched perkily on an ottoman listening to my friend J. hold forth about her very disastrous, painful, and hysterically funny honeymoon (it's o.k., they're still married).

One of my favorite restaurants here nearby the homestead pretty much serves only meat. I know, its insane. Great, though, and I refuse to bend my mind toward even possibly thinking otherwise. This place serves bacon as an appetizer, and it is awesome - thick cut and slow roasted and just as full of umami as you could want. Another restaurant I enjoy sells house-cut bacon cured to order and I might see my way clear to trying to replicate such a snack at home. I've seen variations of brown-sugar bacon or bacon wrapped around whatnot but I think when it's all said and done, the sugar and the whatnots (scallops, artichoke hearts, water chestnuts) are really just excuses to eat bacon and wherever possible I advocate for the elimination of excuses. This, I feel, has promise as a drinks go-along.

Finally, I've also been messing around with papdum, which have the great advantage of being very quick to prepare even though you must fry them. They're so fast that you can cook up an enormous tower of papdum - I like the black pepper and chili varieties - and still have time wipe the counter and change your shirt before the doorbell rings. They stay crispy and are as whispy as angel's breath even has they pack a huge flavorful punch. You can serve them with chutneys but it's not necessary.

None of these snacks costs much - less than a dollar per snacker for very generous portions - or requires much in the way of effort, but all add so much to the experience of sitting and enjoying a laugh with good pals. At the very least you will have spared your friends yet another bowl of chips and salsa. Or, goodness forbid, Reagan-era bagel chips.

Old and Full of Days

I am tired. Like, seriously tired. I could point to any number of reasons why this is so, but I think I'll bump up the most pleasant right to the top of the list: I am tired because I am having too much darn fun. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. To the rest of the possible reasons for my tiredness (work, stress, money, health, diet, schedule, etc., etc., etc.), thank you for your application but the position has already been filled.

Looking at the calendar I can see not a single moment from now until well after New Year's Day when I cannot tell you right now where I will be and what I'll be doing, more or less. I don't mind this terribly much. Surprises and spontaneity are increasingly unpleasant experiences and I am pleased to be able to look ahead a few weeks and know that I need a box of Legos, a rubber frog, pink glitter, a roasted hunk o' beef, a blue t-shirt, a bottle of chocolate stout, or a football-themed sheet cake, and also precisely on which days these are true. Predictability is the order of the day.

With that in mind, the advanced date reminds me that it's time for my annual rant on gift-giving, homemade-edness and celebrations. Or, we can skip it and go for the following instead, my favorite sources and resources for holiday crafting and gifting fun (please note this SPOILER ALERT in the event that you are related and/or are in a gift giving relationship with me):

- Sew Mama Sew has launched its annual Handmade Holidays series of tutorials gathered from all corners of the web. Wonderful inspiration for homemade gifts for nearly any interest or need of which you can think and for just about any skill level. Don't forget to peruse the archives of previous years' series. My nieces and nephews are (probably; see also having lots of fun and near miss on complaining about the calendar) receiving keyrings made of fabric tied (ha!) to their interests and personalities, a project posted two years ago, I think. I'd like to make them the "Don't Get Out of Bed" pants from this year's collection, but I don't think my skills are up to it (yet).

- I am also making up a number of jars of Cowgirl Cookies, except mine won't be Cowgirl Cookies. Follow? What I mean is that I'm making Buffalo Sabres cookies (blue and yellow candies), Dalmatian cookies (black and white candies), UB Bulls cookies (blue and white candies) and so on. That I have a brand spanking new Wegmans grocery at hand, what with their 99 cent 5-lb. bags of flour and bulk candy section makes this fun, easy and inexpensive. I cannot WAIT for my Sabres-obsessed nephew to open his cookie jar and start bugging my sister to bake 'em up right away. That's the kind of aunt I am.

- I have rediscovered ShrinkyDinks, a craft of my childhood. They're back! Who knew? Well, my five-year old knew and now announces with great regularity that she'd like to "shrink some dinks". For holiday gift giving of the aforementioned cookie mixes or jams or spiced honey or dipping sauce, I'll be making little Shrinky Dink tags that can then be saved or put on a tree or whatever. A small tangible reminder of the consumable gift, you know? A search through Microsoft Powerpoint or via Google Images for whatever key word one seeks (Buffalo Sabres, Dumpling, or Honey, for example) will likely yield an embarrassment of traceable riches for coloring and subsequent shrinking (remember, this method is NOT for commercial application, let's not take food off of designers' plates or run regrettably afoul of licensing laws, yes?). I'm no artist and if my tags work out o.k., I'll post some pictures.*

- For your baking pleasure, please see my friend Susie J at Christmas Baking. Every year I say it but it bears repeating: the gingerbread recipe is super-plus fantastic and should all the seasonal merriment makes you sleepy you could do worse than whip up a batch of mokka in response.

- If, like me, you need a gift-giving back up plan and you'd rather it didn't involve traffic, lines, or, heck, even bothering to dress I recommend Etsy and Artfire. I bought a number of gifts from Etsy last year (and in the time since) and have been pleased with each and every one. It can be hard to find what you need or want, and judicious application of key words goes a long way.

- Finally, don't forget YouTube as a source for wildly inventive tutorials on everything from knitting to making candy wreaths to gingerbread house hacks. Expanding my use of the site from nostalgic explorations of both teen-dream and more recent crushes (!) I can profess a legit educational application the type of which I'd heard about but not quite endorsed. I may set my children to work making smaller candy wreaths for their teachers (or at least as much of the wreaths as they will before a ravenous desire for the candy supplies and/or more complaining than I am willing to tolerate set in).

This weekend is the elementary school fund raising auction. Brainiac is feeling very competitive that our contribution of a Scotch-and-Cigar basket (designed to tempt the men away from the spa outings and girls-night-out packages) raises lots of money. For my part, I'm just looking forward to the first event of the rest of the year. With wine.

* Regular readers know better than to count on this. I'm always promising pictures and rarely deliver. Sorry.